The Nissan Juke is a frankly terrible creation that should have never been made. But unfortunately it was and I hate it.
Is the Nissan Juke a good car?
No, the Nissan Juke was frankly terrible, it’s fantastically ugly – resembling that of a trodden-on frog crossed with a toe, it was uncomfortable, too small and came with a dismal array of engines.
I struggle to see why they were so popular, and I questioned my parents to great effect when they rocked up one day with one on the driveway. I still remember it having ‘Juke’ plastered down the side, just so you could remind everyone what a terrible life choice you have made. Or maybe it’s that the car was so forgetful drivers had to be reminded of what financial mistake they had just bought? I hate it.
Whatever the reason, the Juke is a car that I can’t help but love to hate. It’s the perfect car for people who don’t care about cars. It’s the car that you buy when you don’t know what else to buy. The thing you purchase when frankly, you’re too lazy to look further.
But if you’re looking for a car that’s going to make people laugh (at you), the frog-toe is the perfect car for you. It will turn heads and make people wonder what on earth you were thinking. It’s the car that will make you the life of the party – if you actually get invited to them.
So if you’re looking for a car that’s going to make you happy, the Juke is not the car for you – stick with the bus. But if you’re looking for a car that’s going to make people question your moral standing, the Juke is the perfect car for you.
Nismo RS
The Nismo RS is even worse. It’s the same slow, uncomfortable car, but with a bunch of useless performance upgrades that don’t actually make it a performance car. It has the sporting credentials of an old soggy welly. This really is the perfect car for people who don’t know anything about cars, but think they do. It’s the car that you buy when you want to look like you know what you’re doing, but you really, really don’t.
Just don’t expect to get anywhere in a hurry in one of them, and god forbid you have to drive past a reflection on your way home. And I don’t want to hear about the 215bhp 1.6 turbo it had, because well, who cares? If they made the GTR-versioned Nismo a reality, maybe it would have been less terrible. But probably not.
What a truly dreadful automotive exercise.